The Pain of Illusion

So here I am, naked and forgotten. I kneel before myself in a timeless display of self pity. "Get up" I demand. "Run and fight, you coward!" And just like that, I am standing and sprinting, fighting the battle of my life. I have slain mine enemy. I have outrun my foes. But their blood and sweat cries out to me, moans in my ears. The Problem still rides my back and it weighs more than I do. Strength is my transparent armour. The Problem keeps trying to penetrate it.

Wait. Is The Problem not a ghost, echoing into my hollow eternity? What doth it whisper? It whispers to the coward the truth of strength. "Sprinting, fighting, and hiding is not the way."

I decided to stop running. I decided to take The Problem off of my back and look it square in the eye. It wasn't pretty. It said to me through busted lips: "Soften thyself and be true." My transparent armour was not my shield…it was my dagger, plunging deeper and deeper into my flesh until I could no longer feel. The Problem pulled it out and urged me to start over. I am now pained.

So here I am, naked and forgotten. I kneel before you in a timeless display of courage. The Problem taught me that kneeling with dignity is the true power. I look at you now, with Determination's eyes and Humility's breathe. I reach for your heart, and remove the transparent armour. You may not understand it now, but I have just rescued you from lack of Pain. "Being unfeeling is not the way." The Problem knows all.

The "About Me" that my "About Me" Doesn't Cover

Dare I say I am easy to please? Apparently not because I have yet to be so. How many times have I seen something so great in someone only to be proven terribly wrong? I was interested in a man for two days who could only talk about getting between my thighs. He said he'd grown to love me...in that short period. I asked him what love meant. He said sex. His response made me so sick to my stomach that I almost wanted to vomit in his face. The mere thought that he could even conceive the notion that I would buy such a pitiful definition of something so beautifully complex distanced me from him entirely. I told him I'd been thinking. He hasn't called me since. I'm glad he got the unspoken memo before I gave it to him in the most brutal of ways.


There is a woman I was so deeply enamored with that I could think of nothing else the entire day. Upon reflection I don't know how she managed to consume me. Conversations with her were minimal, approximately a one to three word response with no contemplation of the question. Talking to her was like trying to get a toddler to eat his peas and carrots. She frustrated me. I guess I was hoping for an intellectual miracle, embarking upon the painstaking task of trying to draw out something that wasn't even there. I'd miscalculated, completely overestimated her depth. Now I can't even look at her without being appalled.


These two people are not the only disappointments I've encountered.
I can't really say that my heart has been broken because that's a very difficult task to accomplish, and even if such a job were executed, the pain would be brief due to my resilience. I can't really say that I am embittered, for I am emotionally detached from the outset. Rather, I would have to say that my faith in the intellectual evolution of humanity has eroded, and at times I just want to separate myself from them entirely and create my own colony. Wouldn't that be nice? Alas, I haven't given up completely. I still believe that there exists some cultured minority in this vast world, but they've probably fallen back into hopeless silhouettes as I once would have done.



Now back to my initial statement: I really am easy to please. Give me someone who is not afraid to open their mind as quickly as they would their legs or mine. Give me someone who can elevate their intellect as swiftly as they would the bulge in their boxer briefs. Are humans not aware that the fundamental workings of the body are executed through the mind? Do they not know that in order to relieve their sexual desires they must first understand what their sexual desires are? Understanding comes from the mind.


Allow me to be pretentious for just a moment: I am at an advantage because I know at any given point gratification can be given to me. Naturally, I am lacking nothing sexually. Still, I am dehydrated and starved of intellectual stimulation, dying a very slow death. Feed me knowledge. Quench my thirst with your liquid creativity. I dare you.


I'm quite different from you. While you may want to make love to my body, I want to make love to your mind. I want to massage your temples with the tips of my fingers while I romance your intellect with wisdom. I want to broaden your perspective with my own telescope. I want to expand your creativity by assisting you in releasing your apprehensions and freely constructing whatsoever your heart and mind leads you to construct. In turn I want to come to understand all the pieces that come together to form you. I want to know what you're thinking and why you think it. I want to know your favorite color and if it has any relation to your personality. I want to ask you a simple question and receive an elongated, well-thought-out response. I want to know your passion and I want you to teach it to me. These are the mechanics of sensuality.


When I ask you what's on your mind, don't tell me "nothin'," or "u an' me rollin' around." When I ask you how your day was don't just say "it was coo." Explain to me why your day was 'coo'. Tell me what's really on your mind, and don't think of the first perverse thing that comes to it. Enlighten me about yourself. Show me that you are much more than a corrupted idiot. I wouldn't ask you if I didn't want to know.
The irony of people who do not know how to converse with others is that after they have one-word-answered me to death, they have the sincere nerve to ask me why I don't want to talk to them anymore. I find that quite fascinating. Are they not aware that they've completely bored and discouraged me? I guess not.


The problem really is not that all humans are stupid. The problem is that some humans are too lazy to be smart. The problem is that some humans don't want to think. The problem is that some humans are too worried about the opinions of their peers to reach the full intellectual capacity that their minds were constructed for. How do I know? I listen, I watch and I learn. I see a great many men and women who are so intellectually gifted, but they suppress this gift to blend in with society. That's quite unfortunate. These people speak broken English even though they can speak perfect English. They misspell almost every word even though they can spell the words correctly. They miss out on learning a new language because they think their friends will make fun of them. They view everything the same way everyone else does because they're afraid to deviate. Why? I'm so dumbfounded by this phenomenon that I can barely visualize a single life form in a positive light.



My "About Me" tells you about me, but I doubt many people understood it. So here's a breakdown of me and how I view things:

• I rarely let my emotions affect my judgment. I listen to the things you say, watch the way you respond to certain stimuli, and ask you questions. You reveal yourself to me in the smallest of ways.
  
• Oftentimes I play the naïve girl just to see how comfortable you'll get... how easy it will be for you to lie to me.
  
• I never tell a person I love them if I don't.
  
• I never scribble their name all over a clean piece of notebook paper with hearts and spirals all over the place. I have better things to do with my paper.
  
• I'm not afraid to get crazy with a crazy person.
  
• I'm very sweet until you say something stupid to tick me off...and I will let you know what that something stupid was.
  
• I do not believe that Valentine's Day should be the only day for all-out romance. I think romance should be consistent and surprises should be frequent.
  
• I don't think that chocolates and roses are incredibly romantic. I think they're cliché, for people who aren't quite creative enough to think of something different. But I'll happily take them.
  
• I like to make people feel as stupid as they act out of malice and frustration...and I do quite a good job of it.
  
• I like when people retaliate after I've made them feel stupid because then I can make them feel even more stupid.
  
• I amuse myself because very few others do.
  
• I laugh at my own jokes and I don't care if anyone else does.
  
• I don't respond to played-out pick-up lines.
  
• Conceit is one of my pet peeves, along with utter idiocy.
  
• I listen to techno, opera music, classical music, and rock and I will deliberately turn it up on full blast as I drive with my windows down and dare you to look at me funny.
  
• My favorite colour is red. Can you guess why?
  
• When I am quiet it can mean one of three things: either you bore me to death, you've upset me so badly that I'm afraid to express my anger for your health's sake, or I'm listening to and figuring you out.
  
• Close-minded people disgust me...
  
• My best friend is my mother.
  
• I have a staring problem...but it's not because I envy you *wink*
  
• I still watch Sponge Bob and laugh at it.
  
• I still get play at the grocery store in my pajamas.
  
• I love people with a sense of humor.
  
• I'm very easy to talk to.
  
• I'm one of those people who will always be there for you when you need to vent, when you need a shoulder to cry on, when you need someone to hold you and tell you it's going to be okay (because I truly believe that it will be okay).
  
• I have no clue why I wrote this.